


My Heart's Creases

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Ficlet, M/M, Self-Harm, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 07:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14636772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “I’m not enough, am I?” he whispered, sighing. “Am I not enough to forget him?”





	My Heart's Creases

Hikaru wanted to run.

It was a feeling he had had often during his life, but it had never been this strong.

He couldn’t stand that accusing stare anymore and he didn’t want to explain himself.

Not now, not ever.

He couldn’t run, and Yuto wasn’t leaving.

He stayed there, still, with an ice cold stare and Hikaru’s wrist tight in his hand. The elder felt like his hold was burning, as if the mark of his hand was destined to stay on his skin, just like his gaze on him.

His sleeve was rolled up, and even though he refused to look he knew what he would’ve seen on his arm.

Cuts. Wounds more or less deep, more or less old, some fresh, some that time had rendered scars, some become shadows, some still alive on his flesh.

And Hikaru didn’t want to watch them. Not now that Yuto was staring at them for him.

“Why, Hikka?”

He had asked dozens of times up until now, since he had entered the bathroom and had found him with the razor’s blade in his hand.

And Hikaru didn’t want to answer, he didn’t want to give him the truth, because he knew that the moment he would’ve done that it would’ve all crumbled down, all that fiction he had so carefully built, all those lies he had told so perfectly, all the love he had confessed these past few months.

Everything would’ve disappeared, as if it had never existed.

“Don’t... don’t I give you enough, Hikaru? Is there something I’ve missed, some issue I didn’t see? Because, really, I don’t understand why you should feel forced to do something like this, to hurt yourself, I...” he started to say, sounding close to a panic attack.

And Yaotome wanted to hug him, tell him that it wasn’t his fault, on the contrary, that he had done all in his power to make him feel good and happy.

And then he should’ve told him that it wasn’t in his nature to be happy, that his mind never let him rest, that he was never going to know what true satisfaction was.

That cutting himself made him feel good. That the pain let him go on. That he bleed just to know he was alive, because instead his whole existence wouldn’t have looked much more that a continuous following of events, where all he could do was watch.

He took a deep breath, before answering.

“It’s because of Kota, Yu.” he murmured, and just saying that name made him feel like scratching his wounds, opening them back again, feeling them burn. That, and the look of complete disappointment on the younger’s face.

“I’m not enough, am I?” he whispered, sighing. “Am I not enough to forget him?” he added, the voice of who wasn’t expecting an answer.

And so he didn’t wait at all.

He left the room, and the elder saw tears in his eyes.

He heard the front door slam, and he knew he wasn’t coming back anymore.

He had let him down. He had lied to him. He had hurt him, even more than he was doing to himself.

He stared at the wounds on his arms, and thought that not one of those had ever been for Yuto.

How could the love he felt for Kota still be fair?

But there it was.

And, just like those scars, it was never going to go away.


End file.
